C.Faith Holland

Soul Coaching

Thought for Today 10.2.14 Day 2 of Our 30 Day Commitment to Peace October 2, 2014

Filed under: Love — C. Faith Holland @ 2:36 pm
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Day 2 of Our 30 Day Commitment to Peace (see 10.1.14 post)

POWERFUL AWARENESS: Our suffering is NEVER caused by the person we are blaming. ~ Byron Katie

Our Addiction to Blame and Criticism 

The surprising (and common) habit that is draining the life out of your relationship — and how to break the pattern for good

The title of this document might sound a bit alarming, and with good reason.

I wanted to call to your attention to something that should never be taken lightly, because it has the power to destroy an intimate relationship.

I am talking about the insidious habit called blame. That’s right, blaming your partner (or yourself) can actually become an addiction — a habit you and your partner can get hooked on, and one that slowly drains the vital energy from your relationship.

Blame is the cocaine of relationships. It may even be more dangerous, because we often don’t know we are doing it, and we definitely don’t realize how bad it is for our bodies and souls. We think blame will “fix” whatever’s happening between us, or make our partner change… but it really creates more pain and distance.

It works even faster than cocaine — creating an instant jolt in our bodies that is “covering up” the real issues. It “feels good” in the moment, but its self-perpetuating cycle makes it impossible for intimacy and connection.

Here’s how it works:

Addictions Are Ineffective Coping Mechanisms

Addictions are distractions from what’s really going on inside you. When you engage in overeating, gambling, excessive spending, or any type of drug addiction, several things are at play:

First, you’re really escaping from something else: usually emotional pain, dissatisfaction, even boredom. Because these feelings are often difficult to address and require taking responsibility, we tend to shove them away. And the easiest way to do that is through addictive behavior.

The addiction serves as a distraction: You’re numbing out and not being present in the moment in an attempt to avoid facing the real issue. If you’re engaged in your addiction, you don’t have the time, the presence of mind, or the resources to deal with the underlying trigger.

At the same time, you get a “rush” of adrenaline every time you engage in the addiction. The stress hormone adrenaline is secreted in your body when we feel strong emotions such as anger, triggering the “flight or fight response.” Your body is fired up, and that can feel good.

The problem with adrenaline is that it makes you feel alive… but only for a short while. Whether it’s the sweetness of another slice of chocolate cake, the wishful potential of making a bet, or the physical effects of a narcotic, you’re jolting your body into feeling something — anything — different.

But once the feeling wears off, it’s back to being down again — face to face with the underlying demons. You need a fast and powerful “fix,” or the demons feel like they will eat you alive. So you engage in more addiction, creating a vicious cycle that ultimately results in more pain.

What Is Blame Addiction Covering Up in Your Relationship?

Blame takes on a very similar pattern in intimate relationships.

When you blame your partner, you temporarily take the focus off of yourself and throw it onto the other person. Instead of taking responsibility for your part in the situation, you create a distraction, and a very effective one. Blame is the ultimate cop-out.

Just like a “traditional” addiction, the need for blame escalates and starts to overtake our thinking. We can’t go an hour without a critical thought, or we look for reasons to blame whenever we can. It becomes our default go-to position.

But something else is also happening, and it’s a profound revelation.

Conflict creates a spike in adrenaline. Blame actually works faster than cocaine, because in less than a second, your body is infused from inside. When both partners engage in blame, it can serve as a substitute for whatever is lacking in the relationship — usually intimacy and connection.

Engaging in blame creates intense feelings, but not the good kind. Rather than coming together to solve a problem, you “point fingers” at each other and try to earn the position and rush of feeling of “being right.”

Your senses are all fired up — just as they are when you’re making love — but they are senses in opposition rather than harmony.

This just fuels more disconnection and conflict. Science tells us that since adrenaline wears off quickly, it creates a vicious cycle where the couple keeps escalating the conflict in order to stay in the “high.” You’re trying to replace the joyful feelings of love, connection, and intimacy — with the destructive adrenaline of fighting, frustration, and pain.

Blame becomes our drug, and until we quit it — cold turkey — we become slaves to it and our relationship will never flourish.

When We End Blame, We Begin to Thrive

When we made the decision to eliminate blame from our lives, we were amazed by the profound amounts of positive energy and vitality that replaced it.

When you stop blaming, something magical — and maybe a little scary — happens: Suddenly you have a lot more time on your hands!

Time to create the relationship you want together. Time for fun, and laughter. Time for your hobbies. Time for your kids. Time for self-care. For date nights.

Instead of focusing all your energy on “winning the argument” and “being right” and complaining about each other, you can now focus on what will make you happy and satisfied as a person and as a couple.

Where before your mind was running in circles with critical thoughts, now you have the space to create. The cycle of addiction loses its grip, and intimacy rushes in to take its place.

What couples don’t realize is that adrenaline, which drains and depletes you, is very different from the flow, or “harmonizing” hormones secreted when we are loving and feeling loved. And these hormones — unlike adrenaline — can be renewed and built on, time and again!

Our Suffering is never cause by the person we are blaming

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A Sharing on: “Why We Blame Others” Byron Katie January 30, 2014

Filed under: Love — C. Faith Holland @ 3:08 pm
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A sharing on: “Why We Blame Others”

As soon as I merged on to the three lane highway, I saw it. My heart sank.
“Not now,” I thought. This couldn’t be happening.

But, yes, the red light on the dashboard told the truth. My car’s gas tank was empty and there wasn’t a gas station in sight. My next thoughts were of my husband with:

Why didn’t he fill the tank up when he drove the car last night? He knew I was going to need it today. He should have filled it up. Why does he do that (always drive it until it’s empty)? How could he do this to me?

And there I was truly in the midst of the blame game. How often have you done something like this where you instantly look for someone to blame for the situation you suddenly find yourself in?

I’ve just finished reading an excellent book called, “Loving What Is – 4 Questions That Can Change Your Life” by Byron Katie. It’s all about how we cause a lot of our own suffering and grief simply because we tell ourselves how things “should” be or what others “should” have done (he should have filled up the gas tank, my boss should appreciate all the hard work I’ve been putting in lately, my wife should support me). Katie says that events are just events. It’s when beliefs are added that something that “just is” can become much more painful.

In my case, the reality was that I needed to find a gas station. By blaming my husband, I make myself feel hurt and feel that my husband doesn’t care enough about me to make sure the gas tank is full. But, that’s just a belief I’ve added. In reality, it doesn’t mean that at all. The truth could have been as simple that my husband hadn’t even noticed how little gas was left.

It’s my interpretation which causes me the grief and suffering. It also gets in the way of handling the situation. My thinking is more caught up in blame and dealing with the pain of my thoughts and what it all means rather than simply and quickly doing what I need to do (find a gas station).

“We injure ourselves by the negative ideas we entertain. How often have you wounded yourself by getting angry, fearful, jealous, or vengeful? These are the POISONS that enter your subconscious mind, you were not born with these Negative Attitudes. – Joseph Murphy from The Power of Your Subconscious Mind

It’s important to be able to separate what is “reality” and what is caused simply by your thoughts. By letting your thoughts start to blame others and to justify to yourself why it’s not your fault, you make yourself a victim. You’ll also feel like you have no control because something was done to you.

All you need to do is to be aware that it’s only your thinking which is twisting the event. Then you’ll be able to focus on the current situation without having to deal with any added emotional pain.

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but the attachment to our thoughts that causes suffering.” – Byron Katie really interesting concept Katie points out is that just because you have a thought doesn’t mean it’s true. You can question your thoughts as soon as you have them. For example:

Is it true that he doesn’t care about me because he didn’t put gas in the car?

Of course not. When you start to question your thoughts, you’ll quickly realize that some of them really are just silly. But, if you don’t question your thinking, then that thought becomes a truth for you whether you realize it or not.

“Often with pain and depression, there are thoughts you’ve had for so long and held so close that you don’t even know they are there. And you’ve never stopped to see if you even believe them.” – Byron Katie

going out going IN

 

Thoughts and Quotes for Today 11.13.13 November 13, 2013

Filed under: Love — C. Faith Holland @ 2:22 pm
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1. Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t. – Steve Maraboli

 

2. Taking off the Mask: The persona and the behavior associated with it is just a mask. If you see only the mask, you won’t see who the other person is. If s/he sees only your mask, s/he will not see you truly. ~ Paul Ferrini

 

3. Suffering is a product of limited knowledge. ~ Sri Sri Ravishankar

 

4. When we slow down we allow the Universe to work on our behalf.

 

5. The Wrong Choice?: You think your problem lies in making the wrong choice. Yet every choice is an opportunity to learn. It cannot be wrong, unless your refuse to learn from your mistakes. ~ Paul Ferrini

 

6. “Life is love, dearest. All else is imagined confusion.” ~Byron Katie

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Thoughts and Quotes of Today 9.23.13 September 23, 2013

Filed under: Love — C. Faith Holland @ 1:48 pm
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1. Out of Darkness into Light: When we embrace our own darkness and find the light within, we begin to see the light in others and to see the shadow with compassion. We are no longer intimidated by a world in which violence seems to prevail, for we understand that this is but a symptom of the separated self. We hear the heart-rending cry for love, not dissimilar from the one that came from our own lips when we were feeling the pain of separation. ~ Paul Ferrini

 

2. Stop hanging onto that story about being unfairly treated and unloved. You cannot be unfairly treated. It’s your dream. You wrote the script, and you asked for the experience that you had. And the love and appreciation that you didn’t get is what you failed to give.

 

3. Suffering is not God’s will for you. It is not about giving up or escaping the suffering. It is about no longer identifying with anything that can suffer.

 

4. Many of US are obsessed with worry about our future, but this is why many of US live joyless lives. However, when we can find JOY in the present moment and every present moment from here on, we are creating a joyful (Joy full) future. 

 

5. The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another’s, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises. ~ Leo Buscaglia

 

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For Today 8.3.13 An oldie by goody from BYRON KATIE August 3, 2013

Filed under: Love — C. Faith Holland @ 4:28 pm
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Katie on: “How I Learned to Stop Arguing with Reality and Leave My Children’s Socks on the Floor”

Before I woke up to reality, I had a symbol for all my frustration: my children’s socks. Every morning they would be on the floor, and every morning I would think, “My children should pick up their socks.” It was my religion. You could say my world was accelerating out of control in my mind; there were socks everywhere. And I would be filled with rage and depression because I believed these socks didn’t belong on the floor even though, morning after morning, that’s where they were. I believed it was my children’s job to pick them up even though, morning after morning, they didn’t.

I use the image of children and socks, but you might find that for you, the same thoughts apply to the environment, politics or money. We think these things should be different than they are, and we suffer because we believe our thoughts. At 43, after 10 years of deep depression and despair, my real life began. ?

What I came to see was that my suffering wasn’t a result of not having control; it was a result of arguing with reality. I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered; when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always.

When you question your mind for the love of truth, your life always becomes happier and kinder. Inquiry helps the suffering mind move out of its arguments with reality. It helps us move into alignment with constant change. After all, the change is happening anyway, whether we like it or not. Everything changes. But when we’re attached to our thoughts about how that change should look, we feel uncomfortable when we realize we’re not in control. Through inquiry, we enter the area where we do have control: our thinking. We question our thoughts about the ways in which the world seems to have gone crazy, for example. And we come to see that the craziness was never in the world, but in us. ?

When we understand our thinking, we understand the world, and we come to love it. In that, there’s peace.

Who would I be without the thought that the world needs improving? Happy where I am right now: the woman sitting on a chair in the sunlight. Pretty simple. The apparent craziness of the world, like everything else, is a gift we can use to set our minds free. Any stressful thought you have about the planet, for example, or about life and death, shows you where you’re stuck, where your energy is being exhausted as a result of not fully meeting life as it is, without conditions. You can’t free yourself by finding a so-called “enlightened” state outside your own mind. When you question what you believe, you eventually come to see you’re the enlightenment you’ve been seeking.

Until you can love what is–everything, including the apparent violence and craziness–you’re separate from the world, and you’ll see it as dangerous and frightening. I invite everyone to put these fearful thoughts on paper, question them, and set themselves free. When the mind is not at war with itself, there’s no separation in it. I’m 65 years old and unlimited. I’m no longer interested in what my children do with their socks.

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Thoughts and Quotes for Today 7.27.13 July 27, 2013

Filed under: Love — C. Faith Holland @ 7:13 pm
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1. When we live with an Open Heart, unexpected, joyful things happen. 

 

2. Suffering?? Few people recognize that the word, “apathy” derives from the meaning, “apart from suffering.” Therefore, to claim a day where one consciously chooses not to suffer or connect oneself to the idea of suffering in any form, is to consciously recognize another Way of Being. Apathy is not selfish; yet it is self-less.

It amazes me how much guilt pops up in the mind when I see myself choosing not to suffer or choosing not to see others as suffering… oooh, it feels so downright sick and perverted, so filled with selfishness and hurt. So then, what is this inner wish that says I must see suffering? Where does this wish to connect with suffering arise and WHY, when seeking to take it away, does it feel so bad? This, my friends is the ego that wishes to believe that ultimately Love cannot exist without suffering and Love cannot exist without fear. Yikes! This false belief is the core of our belief, that we are separate from God and if He told us He desired only pure happiness and peace of mind, we would run far far away to hide… claiming then for Him (the most Loving Father) to be false. Wow.. this really hits home. ~ Right on Pamela… 

 

3. If we practice and chase a thread of desire, we miss what is already here and we suffer. Can it be more simple stated? ~ Gangaji

 

4. The infinite me already contains everything I need to navigate through Life, because I’m One with Universal Energy. In fact, I AM Universal Energy… ~ Anita Moorjani

 

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Thoughts and Quotes for Today 6.29.13 June 29, 2013

Filed under: Love — C. Faith Holland @ 1:57 pm
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1. As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I know if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” ~ Nelson Mandela 

 

2. Our capacity to make Peace with another person and the world depends very much on our capacity to make Peace with ourselves… Thich Nhat Hanh

 

3. “Every moment you have a choice, regardless of what has happened before. Choose right now to move forward, positively and confidently into your incredible future.” ~ Unknown

 

4. “If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” ~ Pema Chödrön  (We can be grateful for everyone.)

 

5. “We create suffering, but cannot really create the release of that suffering. We can simply stop what we are creating, not in the future, in this very moment. Just stop.” ~ Gangaji

 

6. If I feel defensive or fearful – if I feel anything other than love and peace, then I have identified with an illusion. I am not interested in learning how to defend the illusion. I am interested in learning and teaching how to let the fear go so that I can know the Love and Peace.

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